So here we go again ... the start of yet another exciting year.

How do I know it's going to be exciting? Well, I've been looking into my crystal ball and, dear readers, you're in for a real treat this week ... a sneak preview of Old Skipper's Almanac.

January: Radio Cornwall presenter James Churchyard wins the Sony award for bilingual broadcasting. The Midlands-born presenter, who introduces his morning show in English and Cornish, says: "This is a tremendous honour and should help put a stop to all the sniping about Radio Cornwall being only for incomers."

February: A year after the Packet revealed that some Cornwall county councillors - who are paid 55p-a-mile for using their own cars on journeys between home and County Hall - appeared to be claiming more than they were entitled to, the results of an internal inquiry are announced. A spokesman says: "We've had a team of officials driving all over Cornwall checking the distances travelled by councillors and we're happy that there has been no abuse of the system. We're extremely grateful for the opportunity to clock up loads of expenses for ourselves while carrying out this year-long investigation."

March: Ivan Plumbervich, a spokesman for Cornwall's fast-growing Polish community, demands that all official signs and notices are printed in Polish as well as English. "Vhy vaste money putting signs in Cornish ven nobody speaks diss dead language," he says. "More peoples speak Polish dan Cornish. If zer council duss not agree to our demands, vee vill stop picking zer broccoli and making zer pasties."

April: Cornwall county council launches the first edition of its new newspaper, which is delivered to 240,000 households. The headline over the front page exclusive story reads: "Cornwall's councillors are the best in the world." Mark Goebbels, the editor, defending criticism that he made up the story, says: "That's a lie. We organised focus groups throughout Cornwall to find out what local people thought about their local councillors. We paid people £25 each to attend and an extra £25 if they answered the questions correctly. Our report is based on the findings of this totally independent survey and I can assure you that it fairly and accurately reflects what those who attended the meetings told us."

May: Cornwall's trading standards department launches a "sting" operation to stamp out immoral behaviour. Male officers dressed in drag parade up and down the streets of Cornwall asking passing men: "Fancy a good time, darling." Anyone who asks "how much" is given a fixed penalty ticket. A department spokesman says: "We were going to use our own children in this operation but after all the criticism we attracted last year when we trapped shopkeepers selling alcohol to under-age customers, we thought better of it."

June: The Royal Cornwall Show is told to stop showcasing locally-made produce because it poses a health and safety risk. A meddling bureaucrat carrying a rule book published by the European Commission tells show officials: "Only tasteless food wrapped in plastic and stuffed full of E-numbers can now be displayed in public."

July: Cornwall's Liberal Democrat county councillors - who run the show - vote to increase their allowances by 20% and to raise their mileage rate to 60p. An article in the council's own newspaper is headlined: "They're worth it!" A reporter from one of the established local newspapers, who questions the accuracy of this headline, is warned: "Watch your step, sonny. When we put your paper out of business you'll be begging us for a job, so just remember that."

August: The Tate Gallery at St Ives refuses to refund thousands of pounds to visitors who paid to see the latest exhibition of modern art. The demands for refunds came after it was revealed that all the paintings had been hanging upside down during the month-long exhibition. A Tate spokesman says: "Ok, it was a mistake. But nobody noticed and they never would have known unless we had admitted the error. All the visitors were heard admiring the work while they were here so why should they get their money back?"

September: The Hall for Cornwall calls in insolvency experts and says it will close within a month unless more taxpayers' money is handed over. A spokesman says: "The maritime museum in Falmouth was given millions after it announced that it was going bust, so why shouldn't it work for us?"

October: The South West Regional Development Agency gives an Objective One grant of £5 million to a London businessman who promises to create hundreds of jobs in the county making moon boots. "Space tourism is the future," he says. "They'll be a real demand for these special boots once Richard Branson starts package holidays to the moon."An Objective One spokesman says: "This is an exciting project that will create hundreds of real jobs for Polish people living in Cornwall and it deserves this handout from taxpayers." The businessman, who has been bankrupt three times before, says: "I couldn't believe my luck when my application was approved."

November: As part of a massive government cost-cutting measure all of Cornwall's six district councils are abolished and a new unitary authority takes control. All district council officers are given huge golden handshakes before being offered higher paid jobs with the new authority. The new all-powerful Cornwall county county announces that council tax will increase by 25% next year to pay for the reorganisation.

December: Bilal Bhatti, of the Devon and Cornwall Ahmadiyya Muslim Association, wishes all local Christians a happy Christmas.

One of these predictions is actually based word-for-word on something that really happened this year. Can you guess which one?