I've heard it all now! I know it's fashionable these days for politicians to hug trees and put windmills on top of their houses but the race to become the greenest party in the land has now become too absurd for words.

The latest piece of nonsense for winning the green vote is to stop cows from farting. I'm not joking - this is absolutely true!

In fact, the government has spent £750,000 on research into how changing animal feed could cut methane and nitrogen emissions.

Plans are even being drawn up for an "agricultural emission trading scheme" which would see farmers exchanging credits for the amount of gas their animals produce.

Instead of going to Truro market to sell livestock, Cornish farmers will be meeting for long-winded discussions over whether or not ten cow farts is a fair swap for an extra 50 litres on their milk quota.

Liberal Democrat spokesman Chris Huhne warned a farming conference last week: "Flatulent livestock emitting methane are beyond a joke and are a major and growing source of greenhouse gas emissions."

So, there you have it. As China, the USA and the world's airlines continue to pump billions of tons of pollutants into the atmosphere, Britain's politicians think we can save the planet by stopping cows from farting.

I want to know how they intend to ensure that our farm animals put a cork in it. Will Cornwall county council employ an army of fart inspectors?

And where will it all end? How long before humans are targeted by the politicians and Brussel sprouts are banned? How long before ASBOs start being handed out to decent middle-aged citizens for committing a minor indiscretion? I don't know about you, but I'm finding that with old age it's hard to stop the odd botty burp from slipping out. Am I going to get a criminal record just because my ageing intestines can't cope with rich food like they used to?

The best way to control hot air emissions is to put a smelly sock into the mouths of those politicians and bureaucrats who don't seem able to stop themselves from talking such rot.

*****

Dairy farmers really are having a tough time at the moment.

Not only are cows in trouble for their flatulence, but cheese - one of the dairy industry's most important by-products - has been classed by the government as "junk food."

Cornish farmers who followed government advice and diversified into cheese production are now being told that they must take some of the blame for the child obesity epidemic. Cheese has been included on a long list of junk food products banned from advertising on TV.

I can't say that I am a particular fan of Cornish cheeses, especially the ones wrapped in stinging nettles. I prefer a well-matured Cheddar, an extra ripe Stilton or a year-old Camembert, but to say that any farm-produced cheese is in the same league health-wise as a bag of salt and vinegar crisps is barking mad.

Cheese is one of the most natural foods available. We should be encouraging children to eat more of it, not less! Children are getting fat because parents stuff their lunch boxes full of chocolate bars, crisps and Coca Cola and give them turkey twizzlers and chips for dinner. If they were fed a healthy diet of natural products straight from the farm they would soon be fitter and healthier.

I suppose this rule was written by idiots from the same asylum as those who tried to prosecute a Scottish farmer whose prize-winning Lanark Blue cheese was found to contain bacteria.

Environmental health officers from north of the border dragged the poor man through the courts and nearly ruined him before it was proved that the blue veins in the cheese wouldn't appear without a little microbiotic activity.

They obviously hadn't seen the Danone TV adverts!